When you have kids, your mind, body, and life changes. You become a new person. Hopefully, your family loves you a whole lot because it's not easy any other way. Having and raising kids is a tramautic thing. You never have enough time and often you don't hear or say the right things. There is always a ton of work to do and no real way to have any fun while doing it. Except for music. Music makes just about any event better. Making love to tunes, sweeping or mowing while listening to your Ipod, makes the task that much better. But, that's all life can be sometimes; just a bit better then suck.

May your dreams be protected, kickass, and every thing that you want them to be.

KM

I try to hold on
My weak hands slip
Back, I fall
again
I stay quiet
Listening
Sounds around me
Soon
They lift me
Strength returns
Familiar to my soul
I am not alone
I see a familiar
Facing it
Not alone anymore
I feel the hands upon me
Salvation is prompted
By sweet sounds of kindness
I lower my head
I give thanks,
praising,
the ways of the Goddess
God, Himself
My Father
The salvation of self
I obey
The sacrifice of self,
is indeed,
Required
I give freely
Never do I ask
but, always I give
I silently pray
Forgiveness
Blessings
and the right to live
Keeping my soul alive
For even,
I have sinned
Death is not upon me
So, I chose to live
I love freely
sometimes
nothing
is everthing
and everything
is not enough
I know it
But, I still believe
Because it is the way
That I live

Kristin Elizabeth Brucksch Moore McConaghy Carlisle Lee Rodriguez Mullins Moore

I love you.
Always have, always will.

Dawni died. They say she died by herself. I guess in the long run some people are meant to be alone.

I'm so sad n blue I wrote a song... It's a
remix. My first one ever.

"I will be brave because I will survive. Hey. Hey! I will survive. God knows that I want to cry. My mind is lonely but my heart is broken. Too many times I had to set the pain aside. Took care of my men. So we could all get by. The pain went silent until that golden moment. Tempers flared so hard my good God damn got broken. Don't you dare gasp at me. If it was not for all us,  where would we be. Sad and quiet and way more lonely. We used to laugh so much, I broke a gut, sending stitches flying. There was so much love. ain't no denying. So sing it with me brothers and sister, future lovers one maybe all. Sing it with me, I will survive. I will survive. Hey. Hey! "
By Kris Moore

While cleaning up my documents, preparing to begin writing a new story that is called (working title) 50/50, I found some poetry from 2005 that I am pretty sure is mine. I will not edit, since I am no longer that person anymore.

 Friday, April 15, 2005

Flawless

Ideal love of the heart

Perfect dreams in tact

Ultimate sacrifice of time, self, and skill

Impeccable Outcome

Not to be denied

I want to

Not be denied

I want to

Live in the light

I want to stop making the damned sacrifice

Losing self

Losing soul

So that another selling can thrive

This place to be

Day after day

Does not belong to me and mine

Sew what you can

Earn what the Earth provides

Is all apart of an honorable design

Taken to the day’s extreme

My soul divides

Achievement

Between the day and the night

I sing to my child

Put him comfortably into his bedroom

Read to him

Talk with him

Comfort him

I would always be within the tiniest of quests

Through the living room, his little feet could wonder

Finding me in my deepest slumber

Each night before I slept

A promise to myself, I forged

With pen in hand

I opened my mind, pointed to the path,

Letting it proceed onto the pages

The only fear I knew was in completion

Good enough for me was my goal of perfectionism

Peace in my heart with a good job done

It’s the best that I can and always will accomplish

To be an artist who is a good mother, is and always will be my most complete wish.

Salvation!

Raise hope beyond reason

Disregard falicies of truth

Hold your own place

In this world of your own definition

Make it a home for all to find comfort in

Today tomorrow and the next day

Within this calm

We are alive

Hope is our fuel

Art is the food of our soul

Love is our drive

In this life time i am perfect

In this place i am perfect

Seeing myself through God's eyes.

Disclosure

If i see the future and you are not with me

do you want me to tell you the truth
do you want me to see you out the door

smile and wave good bye?

i will see you again

this i know to be true

with every step that i take, in this life, i will think of you

in the next life

i will remember you then too

somehow, we are all sisters

sharing this moment

then the next, one right after another

circle of six, seven, eight, nine, ten

get up and start all over again

this dance was made in the heavens

the gods were bored and in love

when they made me and you and you and you

If i see the future and you don't like it

will you want me to tell the truth?

should I shut my mouth

when I close my eyes?

drift away and say goodbye?

A smile on my lips

is like a moment on the hips

dancing to the subtle truths of the heavens

not created by you or I

dutifully followed

in the hopes of successing a dream

this place

the next

its all the same to me

but in your eyes

i am perfect

and that will always be the place where i want to be

_______________________________________________

this chime filled heaven

called out my name

senorita kristina

vien con migo

come with me

come to me

be apart of the everything that is nothing

but exactly where you want to be

this was my dream

this is my reality

if i followed your dream and made it mine

where would i end?

would i follow the same path to heaven

or would i go there to find your heaven is in fact my desired place to be?

if i could have anything in this world

it would be for you to want

what is best and precise for me

me me me

is it all about you

trying to justly treat

other desires

of our life

means we can learn to dance the wrath of daily life

how do i do this?

how do i want for me, what other want for themselves?

how can others want for them, want i want for myself?

this is a direct conflict of realities

what i want

what i need

cannot be everything to another human being

what they want

what they need

doesn't always fit into your own reality

how can it fit into another's dreams of self?

we see the pride

the prejudice

of the sins of man before us

what can we do

learn and see our justice through

strength and honor above all

strength of self

honor of family

which one is more true?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Family Forever sometimes means letting go when you do not want to?
How does that make any sense?
Are you saying that you would be happier not being a part of this family? The same family that put you first time and time again?
Raising children is not for the squeamish.

-Kris
Yours Truly, My Love

Deep inside
I'm shaking
To hold on
Hold
Or let go
Singing a song
I've sung all along
Didn't do
A good one
It did me
Growing
Under my skin
Like a necratic disease
Blackened souls
To the depth
 We plunder
No need for breathe
Our hearts
Made of thunder

I stole a kiss. 
A last kiss from me to you? 
Maybe. 
Maybe not. 
In the moment 
It was the best that I could do.

To feel love is to be free within.
I'm you and me.
Remorse.
Never.
Pride.
The feeling in my chest is me never giving up on you.
Pretending.
Not a fool.
Reletting.
Like I must.
Belong to The Truth.
In my heart (I will)I (must stop) belong to you.
My strength.
My purity.
My beauty.
So true.
Just try to stop me, Bitches.

The location of your grinch heart;you
Blackened to the core
Breathe out
Breathe in
And Repeat
Open your eyes
Muchabeaute surrounds you
Do you feel it?
The location of your spine is welded to will
Will you believe in muchabeaute?
Or will you decide uopn too much to lose?
I understand now
Catstrophic loss
Should not Define a man
We did not design the input.
Decide the outcome by choice
Free will,
Smart action?
This is where my mind is at today.
Will I have the strength to remain in the light?
I love the darkness, too
I love
It's what I do

I have been very quiet lately. I haven't written, drawen, or taken photos of anything. I have attended a few great shows and only one average one. But, we all have average times, don't we? It is the dead of summer and I am pale, round AND chubby. Something that has been on my mind lately is pain and more pain. My arms, legs, and head hurt often. Though, I am happy. I try to stay on top of the meds, etc. But what is the point? It pain meds right? You are either high or in pain. There has to be a better way to live. The point is to be fit, to be sated.

Does any human feel that way?

Until I do, I will not give up. Not ever. Maybe in the process, I can lose some weight, finish a project, maybe get a tan, and a good guy.

I dreamnt about Curt last night. We were the people we are today. He was helping me move, but being of no assistance whatsoever. We would go into the storage unit, he'd start talking, pick up something light then walk away. He would go talk to people then come back hours later. Nothing was getting done with the move. Days went by. At some point he held my hand. I let go of it. I let go of him.
It was nice to have a dream where he was not a complete freak. It was nice to see his face smiling at me, even though it was evident that he is still the body snatcher and not my husband...anymore.

Beautiful and Real
Maybe
Real Beautiful
Maybe not
Assumptive stances
Removing anger
Take us
To the right places
Hallelujah
and
Ahmen
Beautiful Light
Together Again

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
to nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by
I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again
The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and not badly broken

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
for this truth.

Go on
Live each day

Breath my memory
With each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor
Of the flesh
Of the mind
Is the only one that matters

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you anyway
Try
I dare you

I know you tried

Try harder!
It should be so easy

Let me go
Let me stay
Let me be loved
I want no other

Go for it
OR
Love me, too


Hold on

or

Let go.

I recommend both"

I know I scare you!

Evil has met it's match
A true crime of
Under simplified ignorance
This complexity
Gains power from the mind

"I love you.

I shouldn't.
But, I do

I think
I can hold the candle
To nothing
but a breeze
that never consumes
A thought gone by

I can not lose
Give myself
Holy to you
Died with that
over
and over
again

The only thing I can say
is
No more death

I lie to myself this way

I (forget to not) care deeply
from a place
completely at peace
and
broken badly

Believing in me
Believing in you
It's just what I do
Choice were mine
Maybe things would be different
Fair enough you say?
No.
I do not care deeply
For this truth

Go on
live each day
breath my memory
with each chosen breath
Taste me
We all have a flavor

Go on
It is not OK
Ignore me
I still feel you

Try
I dare you
I know you tried

Try harder!

Let me go
Let me be loved
Maybe by another
Who does not exist right now

Go for it
OR
Love me

Grab my ass
and don''t you fucking dare let go!

It's that simple baby
hold on
or
let go

I recommend both"

"The heart never speaks but you must listen to know"-Chinese Proverb.

My heart tells me to move along to the next task. My ass follows me wherever I go. Thank heaven. Otherwise, I might lose it.

I may not be pretty or polite. For what I lack, I make up for with power. Power of the heart, mind, and soul. These are the tools that helped my children grow. It is what I hold onto when I create something from nothing, when I am alone. Fierce is not my perception. Can you see through my facade?

Busted Ass
Life gone wrong
Took too much
Now
Im on my own
New Life
Same me
Fun loving
Victory
We walked
Through Hell
To Get
To Hell
Separated
I Strive
To live
Greatly
Never
Thought I'd walk this life alone
Never
Made it with you by my side
Somethings are not allowed
Through the halls of time
Cursed greatness
Sold our souls
We went through hell
To get to Hell
Got nothing good in return
The wrong kind of love
Kept us alive
And that Love
Wont die
The roots run so deep
Between you and me
My love is still alive
Feeding off my pain
Laughing at me
Making me hate
Myself
For Love
You
and
I
The factors
That kept us alive
You
And
I
So this hell
That we
put me through
I leave by myself
Forever
With you...

The ink is dry,
The words go unspoken,
Everyone else has something to say,
I just smile and wave,
Middle finger on emphasis,
Fuck you all,
Mother Fuckers,
You dont know me,
You dont know him,
We are our own,
Not like you,
Got nothing to prove,
Just got a life to live.

Each day,
I learn to stand on my own.
Wobbling Foal,
I seek my nourishment.
Each day,
I cry,
For the loss,
of half my soul.
I see you walking,
Swimming in the waters.
I say to myself,
That aint him.
He's not mine.
I break some more.
I drink some more.
I break some more inside.
I watch time.
Cuz that aint him,
He aint mine.
Gone to the winds,
Im Stand in time.
By myself,
With my love,
Knowing,
We are gone.
We are done.
Say no more.
I find Joy.
Each day,
is a new way,
For Freedom

I Never Came by Queens of The Stone Age.

"When you say it's dead & gone
Yes, I know you're wrong

Cut & slash, sharpest knife
It won't die

Poison cup, drank it up
It won't die

No fire, no gun, no rope, no stone
It won't die

Why you gotta shove it in my face
As if you put me in my place
Cause I DON'T CARE
If you or me is wrong or right
Ain't gonna spend another night,
In your bed...
In your bed...

Laws of man, are just pretend
They ain't mine

Love so good, love so bad
It won't die

Some talk too long, they know it all
I just smile & move on

Words ain't free, like you & me
I don't mind...

Why'd you have to be so mean & cruel,
The dogs are loose i'm on to you
You ball & ...
Chained together from the dawn to dusk,
Can't call it leavin, cause it's just

I never came...."

I ran, worked on the eliptical, and rode the bike for 1.5 hours on Wednesday. I stretched between each source and I ate correctly. The night before I went out to the bar to compete in the trivia game at First Base. I didn't end up playing because my team mates didn't show up in time and one of my husband's lovers confronted me, wanting me to know how delusional I was for not believing her when she says no she didn't screw every single guy at the pool this summer, including my husband in my house. When she called me delusional, I told her: Fuck You. Fuck You. Fuck You. AND Fuck You. She didn't protest. She knew that she could no further and that I wouldn't believe her. So, after walking off and calming down I realized one thing. People hate when people won't believe them and they clam right up. To truly understand what happened, you have to be open to the one percent (or higher) chance that you do not know the entire truth. To get this truth, I walked back out there and said, I don't you. I don't know why you would want to insist anything with me. So, I will give you the chance. And I listened...to her lie some more. LOL. I realized as she was talking that she was bi-polar, lost, and other things that I care to not judge. She fucked up. He fucked up. They wanted it to go away more then I did. They share each other's realm. I do not. I make their realm uncomfortable, simply by existing. Not my goal, but this is my home and no one can kick me out of it. We all live in the same complex. He chose not to move to another complex, amongst the thousands in the Cental Texas area. Not my problem. I wish to write, excercise, and move when I am ready. Today I am going to the doctor to see about my hands some more. Life is funny. When you take the time to face your issues instead of running away from your or other people's pain, you learn a lot and you get more done. I have run away too many times. Now, it't time to face the music and dance. Corny...UCCKKKK!

I ran for 1.33 miles in 45 minutes. I also rode a bike for twenty minutes, and stretched like an Indian Goddess. Yes, I am out of shape. But, at least I have a shape and that shape is round. I went to the apartment complex exercise room. I saw some associates, basically people I know from the complex. Without going into too much detail, because frankly I dont understand or care enough to understand, so I am sure you don't care either. The people here turned against me or simply stopped being a friend when my husband, Curt Mullins left me. He is a veteran of the US Navy, injured during OEF. He has a 60% mental disability. The entire relationship has been built around his disease, release from the Navy, and return to civilian life. I guess when he felt strong enough to be on his own, he left me. He moved two doors down and started acting like a dog in heat, chasing any girl at the pool in in view of my back patio, where I garden, paint, and smoke. He even had the nerve to bring one into my house while I was on the East Coast spending time with my Father before he died. I came home and I knew that someone had been in my bed, my living room, my world had essentially been invaded. So, I got raving lunatic mad and scared the shit out the stupid bitch (sb). LOL. So after the cops left (LOL), my dad calls me up and asks me to do one thing for him. He asked me to not fight anymore. He asked me to let Curt go and to bring peace and dignity into my world. He wanted to die with peace knowing that I was ok. So, I made a pact with myself. I would stay away from him and his sb's (stupid bitches)I guess because he didnt get the attention from me he wanted, he pushed the knife deeper into my back each and every chance he got. He acted like a fool, pushing my buttons. So, instead of fighting, I left. The day that I left, my father died before I got home to see him again. Was this tragic? The entire events of this past summer were fucking tragic. My dad was 64, died from a fucking brain tumor he did not have eleven months ago. My husband, Curt Mullins was a good man who lost his damn mind in ways I have absolutely no understanding of why. WHY? WHY did I lose my dad and my husband at the same time? I have spent a lot of time in pain, as you can imagine. I couldnt hold a job. Felt like I was going to lose my damn mind, soul, if I didnt just sleep. I slept for 9 hours, got up ate, smoked, went back to sleep for another 6 hours, got up ate, drank a shit ton of whatever I had, and then I wrote. I wrote and wrote and wrote and wrote. My world was too awful to review so I made up a new one with a story I call Breaking Inside. Only the title was inspired by the song, because it reflects a part of the story, but it 100% is in trine with ME and where I am.

Breaking Inside
By: Shinedown
Off: "The Sound of Madness"

"Dont tell me that Im the last one in line.
Dont tell me Im too late this time
I dont want to live to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes I made.
Cuz I feel like Im breaking inside
I dont want to fall to say I lost it all
Cuz maybe there is a part of me that hit the wall
Leaving pieces of me behind
And I feel like Im breaking inside."

My life right now is about rebuilding my world. I am trying really fucking hard because if I didn't, I'd probably died by now. If you know anyone going through a similiar hell or if you, yourself are, please contact me, follow this blog or find a way to find your own damn way to survive. And by all means get out there and get away from the shadow of the mistakes, whether they be your own or someone elses, get the fuck away from the pain, and start again.

Tomorrow, I plan on doing another two miles. I am currently 205lbs. My goal is 150, with muscle. 140 is my average, but now that I am 41, I better be realistic and just try to be healthy instead of thin.
Thanks for reading.
Kris

Quote of the Day:
Marijuana taught me a lot of math.

dont care if i die alone.
just gotta get away from you
your talking all the time
i have no idea what your saying
i used to like the way you looked
when i didnt understand a word you said
now my mind is full of gunk
i dont know the right way
do i not love you anymore?
is that what this feels like?
maybe it was too much thin air
on a drunken colorado night
yeah thats right
i dont love you anymore
i dont love you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care for you anymore
i dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you
live your life
move on your own
do what a sweet girl has got to do
get you a man
who loves you better than i can
dont worry, when he says
he will always be your man
forever is state of mind
sweet darlin
dont care if i die alone
just gotta get away from you

I built my soap box with my own hands.
The only thing that matters is the position in which I stand.
For you, I give everything and sometimes nothing.
It's what I do best.
Give of myself, until to myself, I give even less.
Chastized and whipped at the post.
My crime,
Being beautiful and loving the Holy Ghost.
For him, I do everything.
I am everything
Because of him.
A sinless man,
without life.
A spirit who visits me in the night.
A man no more.
My man.
This is my sin.

Nevahhhhhh is infinite
Always is absolute
Kinda does not compute
Ego is precedent

I think of my children every day, just about all day. From the time that I wake up until the time that I go to bed. I try to not be scared for them, as the world is an awful place. I wish (and pray) for the best, instead of worrying. When your son, your hopes and your dreams turns out to be something else completely different then what you wish, you fall down a black hole of everyday life. You smile, you run a house, but inside the void cannot be filled because it is mathematically incalculable.
How do you start new dreams? When the old ones got crushed like insignificant bugs on the sidewalk of life?

Crazy stuff
Crazy life
That’s what’s been going on with me
Lots of love
Lots of laughter
Being the best that a girl can be
Swimming
Eating
Drinking
Smoking
Painting
Inking
Worrying way too much
While i watch my pocket book
Sinking
To a place it aint never been
I waited till i was 40 to crash my financial market
All that worrying at 18 and look where it got me
still right where
I unavoidably belong
It’s all good
You know?
It’s worth it
The price of admission
Is a song
And baby, I’ve been singin it all along

The responsible party,
The lost son,
Someone has to look out for them,
When father done went away,
I lived alone,
In the house we shared,
It's better that he was gone,
Being by yourself means,
That you dont have to exect someone to leave you anytime soon,

'Cept for maybe a few of the voices,
They just get quiet every once in a while,
I am happy to say, they stay.

What you dont want,
Fucking amazing,
How that sticks around.

The responsible party,
Makes sure that we all get by.
All evidence to the contrary states otherwise
No signs of life reside
In some ways things are wonderful

The responsible party needs to relax
Every once in a while
Stories of light collored in blue
Say to us
The same thing
We expect from you.

The truth is, as you see fit.
Fall together
Stay alive
Its all good
Where do we go from here?

I have my own ideas
When someone disagrees
I say
Look it up
Go see for yourself

The miracles of hanging on the noose
Someone cuts you down
Makes it seem to be truthful
That once what was up
Came back down

Yup
Sure did
And ther aint nothing you can do about that.

Kristin Mullins-March April 2008

My world is falling apart. Again...
My son is lashing out at me, being a teenager. His step father doesn't care for either of us. I have to go design software for assholes who aren't going to listen to me anyway.

With all that's going on, all I can do is remind myself of the love in my heart and how much I am loved. By assholes, yes. But, they are my assholes.

I think with the best of intentions, everyone fails.

Patrice Pike
Hanover's-Pflugerville, Texas
November 16th, 2007

Again, I would like to say the most important part of having a good time is all about relying on the resources around you that assist you in researching the best time to be had. The Austin Chronicle is a must have. This city's information society runs around and because of the Austin Chronicle's persistance in bringing the reader the facts. Anyone in the Austin area can pick up a copy to find out who what where and when. Sometimes, they will try to hide the 12 dollar cover charge. But, its all good. Consider that a donation to the keep music alive foundation. And Honey, let me tell you something...If Austin doesnt keep the music, especially the talented beautiful music of Patrice Pike alive, then the Liberals are all correct; We're fucked.
I am from Austin. I left for DC on business in 2001, thirteen days before 9-11 and I never really came back until just the other day. I arrived in town after two crammed flights while sitting next to my very hyper anxious teenager. Mommy needed a beer and a cigarette. But, mommy is now 39 years old. So, its more like: Mommy needs a salad and a good poop. ha ha. it's all good.
I got into our truck at the airport and we hit 183, the windows were down, it was unseasonably cold outside. I didnt care. It smelled like Texas out there. I breathed the sunlight, the cold air, my long brown hair flew every where, even into my mouth. i breathed it in, the air, not my hair...this is what home smells like. my brain aknowledged this and my heart open with a loudy squeaky creaking sound. dare, i allow it? will i be ok? or will i be rejected and found with horrors of the east coast again? unfriendly mean people who will reach out and hurt you with their words, their fists, and their racially motivated hatred? the bias that will never allow you to be yourself because before you open your mouth, you are judged juried and hung with out the chance to testify. this is painful to the heart. a texas girl like me should never have to wonder to far to find friends, music, laughter, and a good time on a Friday night. So, as the wheels in our truck turned, as we were riding down 183, i let the fear, the anxiety, the nervousness go, outside the window, let it transmutate into boogers in another universe. What the fuck. I dont care. Just get away from me. So, I can breathe the right air. And I did. I cant get enough. I dont want to sleep. My mind hears a sound, I wake up in a dark hotel, my sexy husband is snoring lightly, sleeping deeply beside me and i say to myself, what can i do today in the next 24 hours? i tell myself, NO you wont think about the return flight, thanksgiving with prying relatives (who called me today at 730am!). Think about the cup of coffee in your hand and the success at hand. We're here at the last minute because we are closing a plan that has been long since been in pre-production and needs to go into production right away. RTFN.
Hubby got a job with UT, pays great, travels nice, great potential for the future, and with the best school in the whole wide world. So, we are very very very happy for him. Unfortunately, it comes at a time when we are very very very broke and can even afford to give a shit.
It keeps the old man up late at night thinking about shit he should forgive and move on into that deep sleep that we all wish we could enjoy. (that i am listening to right now) We got him taken care of by finding this position, changing our travel plans, and diverting to Texas asap. We are here on a wing and a prayer. I say that we couldnt be in better hands. And as much as I believe this to be true, the hubby wonders if Im right...As if...I say that we cant do anything about the things we cant do anything about. Instead, I see what can and needs to be done and I just do it. Well, I try and thats half the battle won right there. It brings confidence from the experience of surmounting insurmountable challenges. Confidence creates a certain glow. The glow is an attraction. We get the spotlight and then its time to move, do your thing and to do it well. last night i watched proof of this concept. Patrice Pike is a confident woman who glows in her talent. She is a versatile player, has great vocal range, and can play damn near anything. What more could you want from Friday night entertainment? Her songs sing of heart, soul, love, and the fire down below. It's all good. Her shows brings a unique crowd out to play. Long time friends, family, and new lovers will meet tonight at Patrice's house of blues, rock, ska, phunk, skat, and a blessed good time. Hallelujah!
If you get to Austin and wonder what you should do, pick up the Austin Chronicle. If you see Patrice Pike's name listed in the music calendar/venues section get out and go see the show. You wont have a bad time. You'll recharge the life doesnt suck batteries inside every cell of your body and you might, just might smile again...it's all good. That's right!

We are all
For the same thing
Waiting
Peacefully
Smelting Gold
Diamonds
Finding nothing
In the Fire
But
Ashes
The strongest of Stones
Wait
There is no return
To a normal life
Upside down
You still Breath
In & out
Smile
Massacred, waiting
And
Waiting
Liars and Thieves
Diversions of peace.

We're Each
Of us
A part
Of the choice
We play the music
So sincere
In feeling
Mask your fears
Let something else
Dwell
In the world
Of you own
Personal Hell
Miraculous
Paradox
The fires burn
All night long
Drink the grape
Down
To the last drop
Feel the burn
Of Fire's Hell.

The ghosts of time regrets
Scream
Their life's beretts
Given unto the voice
Filling the lungs
Soon to be dead
Heard only by those left behind
Time and time again
Human kind ness
Does not exist
Without hope
The authority of love
The rebellion of suck!
Not to be trusted
By those who don't believe
If you hear anything
The death screams
The headaches of time
In the decibel level
Of undeterminable pain
Remind yourself
Nothing else matters
When
Nothing else is left to gain.

The ashes of the dead
Compell me to live
Moving me soon
To a decision
Not mine to make
Each to their own
This time
Is not the case
The bribes are taken
For this
I am grateful
For the love
I am makin
Long outweighs
The Death
I am living.

re·solve [ri-zolv]
verb, -solved, -solv·ing, noun

1.to come to a definite or earnest decision about; determine (to do something): I have resolved that I shall live to the full.
2.
to separate into constituent or elementary parts; break up; cause or disintegrate (usually fol. by into).
3.
to reduce or convert by, or as by, breaking up or disintegration (usually fol. by to or into).
4.
to convert or transform by any process (often used reflexively).
5.
to reduce by mental analysis (often fol. by into).
6.
to settle, determine, or state formally in a vote or resolution, as of a deliberative assembly.
7.
to deal with (a question, a matter of uncertainty, etc.) conclusively; settle; solve: to resolve the question before the board.
8.
to clear away or dispel (doubts, fears, etc.); answer: to resolve any doubts we may have had.
9.
Chemistry. to separate (a racemic mixture) into optically active components.
10.
Music. to cause (a voice part or the harmony as a whole) to progress from a dissonance to a consonance.
11.
Optics. to separate and make visible the individual parts of (an image); distinguish between.
12.
Medicine/Medical. to cause (swellings, inflammation, etc.) to disappear without suppuration. –verb (used without object)
13.
to come to a determination; make up one's mind; determine (often fol. by on or upon): to resolve on a plan of action.
14.
to break up or disintegrate.
15.
to be reduced or changed by breaking up or otherwise (usually fol. by to or into).
16.
Music. to progress from a dissonance to a consonance. –noun
17.
a resolution or determination made, as to follow some course of action.
18.
firmness of purpose or intent; determination
Origin: 1325–75; ME resolven (v.) solvere to loosen; see
Related forms
re·solv·er, noun
—Synonyms 1. confirm. See 2. analyze, reduce. 17, 18. decision.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

Foo Fighters
"Resolve"

Something that I felt today, something that I heard
Swingin' from the chandeliers, hanging on your word
I remember watchin' you once upon a time
Dancing from across the room in another life
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
Lookin' back to find my way, never seemed so hard
Yesterday's been laid to rest, changing of the guard
I would never change a thing even if I could
All the songs we used to sing, everything was good
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
One more year that you're not here
It's gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you
One more tear that you won't hear
That's gone and passed you by
What happened to you, what happened to you
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve is what I need now
Pin me down, show me how
A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
It's gone and passed you by
A little bit of resolve
One more year that you're not here
It's gone and passed you by

Resolve
by Kris

Father Father
I am yours today and every day
I give you my soul
my praise
my desire to live to the full
i will move on
each time
teh words
dry in my mouth
everytime
my eyes are knee deep in black water
i will move on
no exceptions
no free rides
all is sanctified
in Your name
I resolve
I resolve tonight

KEM

I cry when i ask my husband for help and he turns me down so quickly that i cannot begin to understand why.
i cry when my husband has his eye on the prize, but misses the view completely.
i cry when i am by myself, scared and alone and I realize that by choice this is where i am.
i cry when i want one thing, but do another, just to please someone who wants more then i can ever give.
i cry when my son is in anger, he feels alone and scared, and there is no man here to be his friend, mentor, and father figure.
i cry when i realize that i have made a mistake. i thought you were one person. instead, your another.
i cry when i have to say good bye. i have been crying for too long.

My luck is back!

"I'd rahter die behind the wheel"
Yeah, what you say is what gets to God's ears.
My momma, Kathleen taught me that. What I know now, is not what i knew then. I went to see you because honestly, i do remember saying actually vowing that to you. I said, no matter where you go, I will find you. So, I did. And one thing that I know is, all I want from you, is for you to find me too. I did what I was supposed to do and in return, its your turn.
Every night that I sleep and I dream of you, I say to myself, I just wanna hear his voice. I recognize it in my ssoul. It's not fair. Yeah, that is right. It is not fair of me to love you when I love someone else, too. BUT. It is a fact and no matter how I try, or even dare to splain it to someone else, I cant stop thinking about or loving you. I just wanna hear your voice face to face. And if that is the spell put upon me and the suffering that I must endure, (ha ha) this is what I want from you, in return. Find me. No matter where I go, find me, talk to me, remember me, and love me. LOTS. Yeah, there still is a girly side of me. Love me lots.
My husband, Charlie does really love me LOTS. He is a good guy, too. And, I hope that you get to meet him and I hope that he is apart of our lives in every way humanly possible. Because, I do love him, the same way that I love you, too. He was and is quintessential in my, our life. He has tken good care of me. He is everything that a man should be for/to his wife. I love him for this and I always will.
BUT
and I do mean this so sincerely. He is not you.
Whose ass am I trying to kiss here? it is just the truth and nothing can change that. I am just trying to be honest here. Does all of this fall into the category, of way to much information that I just dont give a damn about?
That is what is best. I guess.
It is hard to love so many and be owned by one.

Notes from Forever by KEM

It means,
Life's the same.
Even when you move
In stereo
or 5.1
or whatever
the sign of times suggest.

It means
when time stands still,
I continue to move
With you.

Somethings
Can never change.

Only We fly
Closer to the ground.

Someday, Maybe
The angels will show us how.

What we used to love
Hides
Behind the clouds
Of the fear inside
All that is left
is the desire to thrive.

im something
im nothing
im somewhere
in between
the reality
of silence
and the rapture
of me

can i get inside
the skin of self?
wisdoms belonging
to pain
and to nothing
and to no-one else
not knowing
the depths of death
the anger of pain
the stress of love
once again

twice in a row
just like that
the miracle occurs
in 3.5 seconds flat
owned by a heart
that beats too fast
lives in another world
cant get to
cant live in
cant share
just exists
somewhere
in the imagination
of lovers

we are defined
by the moment

Then life changes freely
...just like that

Question: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Answer: I LIED.
Fact: I am unemployed and interviewing on a regular basis. I think that I have done well with the interview process. I am very tired of it and its not something that anyone enjoys. It really does have a selling of the soul kinda value to it. My soul and I are attached, happily so. Dont want it to go anywhere. I do not usually lie. People often hate asking me if I think if they have gained weight or Do I like their new boyfriend. I wont lie. I wont bullshit. But, while interviewing, lies come out of my mouth as if I were a teenage boy on the verge of getting laid.
I LIED. Sheot. (Before thinking about it and writing this post, )I'd probably do it again, too. Those lies came to me very naturally. I was surprised to hear myself say the words that came babbling out of my mouth.

BUT. I think that from now on, I dont want to lie myself or anyone else. Especially, when it comes to answering that type of question.


Where do I see myself in five years?

this is funny and annoying at the same time...
This morning by KEM
I went to sleep early last night. I was tired by midnight. usually, i stay up much later. i curled up in my bed, turned the lights off, (which is a first since my sweet darling husband left town) and i went into sleepy land. around 4am, i awoke, drool pile on my pillow, i heard a sound. the fuggin cat was on the window sill, playing with the pully string for the blinds. oh my good god, i said. I sounded like janice joplin after a show and a bottle of jack. the sound of my voice scared the cat into submission. it only lasted long enough for me to fall asleep again. she moved across the room and started pulling my socks out of a semi opened drawer. she managed to pull out santa claus socks circa 1985, from god only knows where. I sat up in bed and yelled (this time) demonically at her. She stopped for about an hour. at545am, this morning, naked and dragging a cat outside into a spring morning rain, i opened the door and threw the cat outside. i laughed like a mad woman as i threw her. The phone was ringing, the alarm was going off loudly in my ear and i was happy. The cat was gone. All i had to do was turn the alarm off, answer the phone, and go back to bed. Oh and I had to pee.
Six hours later, I wake up to silence. Its golden, ya know?
love ya
Kris

If I was a ghost. This is what I would look like.

Father God: hear my prayer.
Thank you for all the belssings that you have given to me and my family. Thank you for Curt and Sebastian. They are the best that I could ever ask for. Thank you for my skills. I appreciate everything that you have bestowed upon me. Right now, I am in the middle of growing up. I do not know what my next step in life should be. All I really know is I am thankful for my family and my life. I want nothing more then to be a good mom, wife, sister, daughter, and artist. Please help me become all that you want me to be, living the life that you see fit for us. I need your direction father. I want to be successful. I want to be here for my family. Please open the doors of opportunity for me as you see fit. Thank you for blessing us. Please look after my mother, Sylvia Nana, and my sisters and brothers, too. I am listening and my heart is open to Your goodness. Thank you
Kris

Been dreaming a lot lately, again. I have a lot to be thankful for and my dreams remind me to be grateful. Life could always be more difficult. We could be on our own. I have my kids. My husband is by my side to annoy me and LOVE me.

"I Let it Ride On. I Let it Ride On."
Subtle Hustle
on Blast Tyrant
by Clutch

My O My. If you haven't listened to this entire album from start to end, over and over again. You are missing out, my friends.

"I got your number
I steal your thunder
I got your mother's maiden name
tattooed on my arm"

Let it Ride On.
Let it Ride On

Followed by the immaculate song, Ghost.
I can not express the importance of this album. Listen to it. Love it. Absorb it.

I have mixed feelings. I am hung over like a tired, over worked, over stressed, mofo who had one margarita with dinner after four shots before getting on a plane. i am amazingly sober right now. but, i feel the pain baby. i dont have trouble flying usually. and i really mean it. i usually sit back, relax, and enjoy the g force. but, yesterday BWI and ORF were very empty and quiet. and I never felt so alone. i came to austin to be with Gus and Jennifer. we are going through a personal time and needed each other. i cannot emphasize the suck factor of life right now. and i sure as shit wont write about it, either.
When I separated from C at the airport, early and alone, part of me escaped into solitude. Another part of me worried myself into it. Part of me likes it here. By myself, I can hear the inner voice uninterrupted. But, by myself, I get into way too much trouble. For that I am sorry. For the journey and those that I met along the way, I am not and I have no regrets. Life is a beautiful time that can only be described as unwanted and totally received at the same time. I cant live with guilt, in a box, instead of fish, because I like cox. A connection, unallowed by the ring on my finger, but wanted by the soul is not wrong.
(for KC)

If you started peeling back layers of darkness, underneath you would find a fresh lady of female geneus, a.k.a. a girl...

She isn't a girl
She isn't a feminist nightmare
remove the darkness
You will see
The brightness
Fresh reality
Blinding light
Inside of me/she
Image of the Father
Love(d) of the Mother
Glowingly Irish
If such a thing exists
Its what this day would wish
Release the darkness inside
Allow me to be
Me/She


04/27

By Myself
I sigh
Deep Senses
Relief
Constant Fear
Laying
Beside Myself
I Breathe Deeply
Over
&
Over Again


Originally written on October 21st, 2006

Hay Thar. Long time no writey write write. Goodness, I probably sound drunk. Truth is, Im sober, sitting in my room, listening to the guys play Area51. I got a laptop for Christmas. Stud Meet Mullins got a very merry kiss in return for his elf like trickery and getting me what I wanted. But, alas, that season is over and the credit cards were maxed. Did I feel closer to the baby Jesus on his birthday? I guess so. But, not really.

Truth is your Responsibility
Lies are your Shadow
Choose Wisely
Walk the Straight
Fall the Narrow

Swim the chanel
Feeling solitude
Presence of self
Creatures unseen
Tasted on breath
Sensed so keen

Inhale
Exhale
Living
Dieing
What it is
Is
What it shall be

Always a bent truth
Relies on Reality

Lies undone
Secrets of the Chambers
of the Mind
Cannot be shown

In harming none
The reed of Oath
Passively Dies

It's all the same
Words
Unspoken
Are still Lies
Truth Told
is still A Crime

Live unto Others
Speak Upon and Onto Self
One way or another
It's all Your Hell.

"Failure is a sustained course of study for everthing you are doing right now. "
(loose quote)
Larry Harvey

Bad dreams have become the only dreams that I remember or spend anytime with in early morning REM. I have been plagued with nightmares all of my life. When you only have NM, it has changes your personality. If you dont have a positive experience while you rest, it is hard to maintain sunshine during the day. I succeed a large portion of the time because I am a mother and I cannot let my anxiety and sadness rule my actions. I have failed in the past and the guilt alone asks your soul to please put it behind you and focus on your children not living as you have. Its sad really. Nightmares lead to anxiety and depression. Its a vicious circle.

I have been sick all week with a strange flu. I have been trying to break the fever in my sleep. But, I dont really sleep a lot because of the nightmares. So, this is the first time in my life that I have been sick with the flu longer then a few days. I can handle it. I have become amazingly more resilient. I seem to be getting stronger at understanding when the dreams occur or in that moment of waking, the nightmares arent real. Every once in a while, it happens to me. While I am unsuspectingly resting, next to my baby, drooling in deep slumber, my body and mind start twitching as I shake myself into the realm that the rest of my subconcious existence is urging me to experience. Either way its a dream. Every dream can hold the key to understanding. I entered this morning to experience hell. Unfortold by Dante, hell was not on earth, or in the hearts of man. Hell resides behind the veil. Like the Matrix, only a few could see it, but everyone experienced it.
I cant bring myself to tell you to story. I sit here listening to "tallica, eating yogurt and trail mix thinking blank thoughts about a non cohesive story. As each dream seems to be to most people. just a series of images that dont make any sense. This is what my waking mind is trying to accomplish. Its called blocking it out. Its how most people survive. Its how the veil is created. Who in their right mind would want to stay in the hell that nightmares depict? Yet, we all stay at jobs we hate, live in towns where we are hated, and try like mad to stay sane long enough to be creative, let alone loved by people more messed up then you! Most people believe rush hour is hell. Hell is rush hour traffic. But Hell is also terrifiying images of children being turned into demons. Hell was inside of me this morning.
I got off the private jet to smoke a cigarette. I was told that we were not leaving for another fifteen minutes. As I sat inhaling the sweet smoke, the engines roared. I thought it was a test. before I could say anything, the jet took off from a parked position, through a hole in the wall no bigger then a small car.
I was left behind. I went to the control room and begged for you to return for me. I was left on my own. Nothing could be done. I had to survive. I walked with the spirit of my sister. I saw a building with funny words on it, like Moose, Money, Mo. Mo Moose Money! As I laughed, she said to me, beware of that room right and she pointed to a downstairs portion of an old wharehouse. It was cleverly hidden behind the goofy sign that acted as a distraction to the evil that presided. I was looking at the top of the warehouse when she said this to me. As I changed views from top to bottom, I was thrown back by the feeling of evil all around me. I was visibly shaken. Instantly, I was alone again. I turned away from the evil and left, looking for a way home, thinking to myself, what many thought as safe was actually hell waiting for the mistake.

Next rememberable scene: I was under the stairs of the warehouse, under a spell. I was throwing poison darts at children that my team was battling. I was evil absorbed. I felt like throwing up. I threw a dart, but my goodness wouldnt allow me to hurt the child. I threw the dart like a dork with a soft weak wrist. The child caught it and was instantly poisoned becoming like the team of evil that attacked it. I ran away into the tunnels of the warehouse. Every room was occupied by some entity that was either aware of the nightmare or with people who went about their daily business, going to work, etc. I tried to find a place to sleep and was ran off by cranky monsters. when someone left for work, I snuck into their apartment and used the phone to call for help. I noticed the normal environment of the strangers house. I wondered each room, hoping for a phone. I called my guy. he said, I called you three times, where are you? I replied: three times! You have my purse that has my cell phone in it. Obviously, he was not the person to call in case of emergency. As I realized this, I sat their in shock, deep shock that was saying to me, your stuck here, Kris and you have to find a way home on your own. My next thought was: I am goin to makie it happen. God loves me. Then I woke up and I was late for work. I had overslept in nightmareville.

Sidebar/Irony= I am listening to The man comes around by Johnny Cash. Loose translation: Alpha and Omega kingdom's come was upon us and hell followed with him. In my case, hell followed her...

Playing: VH1-Nickelback
Note: for a commercially influenced band, the guitar harmonies, solos, and overall sound stands out as a distinctive quality of this band. Oh, and Chad Kroger is pretty hot for a skinny guy.

Favorites song right now=ShineDown-"beyond the sun"
Album=us and them
Lyrical quotes=

"Communicating thoughts of ways to never have to speak again
let me be the fire in your head."


"Look for me
the way you would
if you were blind"

Thoughts of the day:
Breathe freely

Focus

Kick ass like only I can

Be nice
No more prisoners needed
The house is full
Be very nice

Send seb good energy so he can survive high school. whoo hoo. it aint fun. survival is key, boi.

I trust you
to not come undone
to sense the common
to fear
to love
as my one and only son

In every moment
Of truth
We are alive
Matching our actions
With the
Honesty of essence
Fact of the daily fiction
Lies
in our decisions.

"Inbetween"

Wake UP!

I have been working so much, I forgot what I was doin.
I spend so much time dreamin someone else's dream and
Making it come true
My boss is a happy man
For me, this is nothing new.
Live life and prosper
Whatever
This is someone else's dream
What makes me special?
I guess that is for every one to answer.
I already know for myself
If I forget, the ones around me
Remind me
Nudging me in the right direction
I lost "that" dream
You know the one
Soul defining high gloss picturesque quality of self
Somewhere down the line, it disappeared
Cant completely forget
You always remind me
Who I am is in the love, baby
Where I am in the dream,
Is somewhere in between.
It's who I am today, tomorrow, and the next
Lost or found
It's all good, baby
In between is fine by me

Life Back.

Where we belong
is where we should live
In the heart of it
is where the heart is
and always will be
If we laughed at a broken life
its with the best of intention
that the mind wonders on
If we could
we should
always believe
not in the nothing
that holds us
To the rules
Engagement in the state
In the freeworld
as low as you can go
Taking to the depths
Where once we were
Bound to return
It is, as it seems
Timeless and random
In duration
Of nothing
Timed as it needs to be
Choosing an upward motion
In any direction
Take flight
towards
and away
from nothing
Be insight
of the choice
Of right
Of wrong
Of Nothing whatsoever
Its our path to make
To where we belong

I don't want to go home
It aint no place to be
when
The one you love
Can't offer Sanctuary
Work is not fun
Playtime is over
Expect the Love
Give the work
Who we are
Is never enough
The love we are
Is inside
Seems to be
the definition
Of Institution
That Runs Society
How do we survive
Rejection
By Definition
Amongst us
Between us
Ignoring Ignorance
All is lost
My home is gone

She said, "...It's in the antique Chinese chest." I paused and every piece of my mother's furniture came into my head at once. It's all antique and its all Asian. As I laughed, I thought to myself, glad we can be so predicatable. Even when we don't make sense, we can be understood by family.

Chris Rock says:
America took over Iraq in two weeks. Hell, you can't take over BALTIMORE in two weeks!

I laughed so hard because I imagined all the Area's population fighting with sticks, guns, pitchforks, whatever else they could use to kick some ass. I imagined all the tough northern/east coast mofos that perpetuate the anger in the universe, winning all major wars for us. All they need is the right incentive.
That's whose out there fighting in the middle east right now. Men and Women who have the right incentive to ball up courage to go out there in a frigen dessert a million miles away to fight for their home turf, America.
Salute your brothers and sisters in arms. Start a riot in your neighborhood, if necessary. Protect whats worth fighting for.

Our company has been sold. The purchaser is determining how to maintain staff. We are all working together to get through an exciting time! This is all the corporate bullshit that states: too bad, motherfucker. We made a shit ton of cash. Now, your fucked.
These are my positive thoughts. The negative ones, I cannot even endure. New house. Old life. Gotta keep it all together. The fish, the dog, the cat, the kid, the man are all relying on me.
I just wanna go home.

Depression occurs when the mind wants what the heart does not desire. Or vice versa.

When you start to drift
you try
to come together
if
you
dont
sense the senses
wanting nothing
happens together
you need
you dont want
your alone
in this world of silent endeavors
making
love
instead
the war
starts in your head
your heart
bares all
your face
says nothing
bluffing
your surroundings
asking
for nothing
being the one
the only
you
like the tide
coming
back
to the shore
time
and
time again
the drift
hits
the dune
walking alone
the air
intices
the soul
the salts
of
the earth
becoming
the sweat
of
the body
mine and mine
alone no more

The gayness of it all.
Ever realize what you think is cool, someone else considers to be shit?
Example: People who want to dress like the 80's were cool.
If you were of age in the 80's, you wouldn't want to dress like those fags.

Think of how many things can associate with this concept. Let me know what they are.
DO it. Do it now.

Do they ever know how much we love them?
I feel sorry for players, haters/not lovers. They dont know what its like to be accepted, adored, passionately explored by the one who knows your soul's secrets and loves you for you anyway.

More Random emails that I think are post worthy:

I have decided that to solve my problems with my husband, it would best for me to become an Amazonian Lesbian. I will live in the woods with my fellow sisters and worship Dianna of the Hunt. Any man who comes near us will be used strictly for sex trade that can be bought and sold. Maybe bartered too.

Random emails that I think are post worthy.
To Krisepoo:
"I am a conservative. I support our brother and sisters in arms. I don’t agree with the liberal agenda. I felt the earth shake beneath my feet on 9/11, I was not in Texas. I sat on the train next to crying men and women who would start singing America the Beautiful at the Braddock landing stop on the metro. I stood up when my future husband was attacked in Bahrain and permanently disabled. I take care of my family no matter what, where, when, or how. I am a Texan in my heart and an East Coast dweller by a choice that’s not my own to make, but mine to follow obediently. I am the daughter and a sister to Scorpio Women. I am the Wind in all forms. Soft and delicate, powerful and killing strengths. But, no matter what, till the end of time, I will be here.

"On the Move"

This piece is tenth in a series of images I created while meditating at work. Silly idea? No. I work in a high stress, rapid development software firm in Norfolk, Virginia. I like what I do a lot. Sometimes, I need to unwind while waiting for code. Thank heavens, my boss cares only that the software gets tested. It does. So, I create, too. I live at work. I spend more time with my co-worker Bob then I spend with my Husband. I need to meditate. So do you.

I loved Bu-Bu. Unfortunately, I didn't trust him. He wasn't a player, a cheater, or an otherwise abusive person. I didn't trust him because his mood could turn on a dime. Sometimes, he would get so angry about simple issues that weren't even that complex. It scared me. But, I didnt want to judge/change him. The beauty of Chris is all that he is. And all that he will ever be was not up to me to edit. I never opened up to him past a certain point. He did get under my skin easily because of who he was to me.
I remember speaking with him for hours. We would listen to Massive Attack and other somewhat obscure artists. He had the greatest way of explaining an Artist out of obscurity into a knowledge base that I take with me today.
Most men do not understand what us fast talking chicas have to say most of the time. If he would get lost in my free verse babble, he would say, "Stop, let me think about this. Are you saying _______? and this_____ ? and this_____?" I was amazed that at first he didn't follow, he would stop and redirect himself through Kris logic land. He was a really good friend to me.
What an ass I was to him.
You wanna know the irony? No trust equals no sweet loving. No sweet loving throws a man right into "friend"ville. Putting someone you love into a position he doesn't want to be in, even though he tries to be a friend, would make the Resentment reel its ugly head.
This is how we become dispensable. I knew that he would throw me away one day. This is why I didn't trust him. Moody men make tempermental friends. Tempermental friends are fair weather friends. Fair weather friends don't have unconditional loyalty. So, you know in your heart that you are disposable.
Yeah, I left that relationship for good reasons. Still, I miss the friendship, the long talks, the intelligent intimacy that I will never be able to replace. He is one of a kind. My kind, at that. Its too bad that Irony is such a Bitch.

I will come back
I will come back
For you

Name the person who sings the lyrics above. You'll win a cookie.

The best part of this song is the very ending. When solos weren't being generated, one band did it anyway. The artist broke the rules in the early 90's. He kept on breaking them. Now, my ears are happily listening to a mix of accoustic, electric, drums, drums, and more drums. Throw in some vocals, background, front man, and he is one very talented musician. For such an unassuming person, he is really large spiritually and sensually.

Mullins, Kristin says:
do your best
Mullins, Kristin says:
thats what you can do
Mullins, Kristin says:
and for all time
Mullins, Kristin says:
that is what is expected of you

Write poetry with your children. Teach yourself a new word every day. Make it the word of the day and use it as many ways as it could be used. Make up new ways to use it. Love words in all languages. My personal favorite is body language. We all have this in common.

Beautiful flowers on a cold day
A cold day is almost every day
Somedays
My Heart wonders
How does the flora grow in the darkness?
What is left
For a sweet girl to do?
Needing time
And Energy
To do
What Should be done
What could be done
Is another story altogether
With you
For you
I am the warmth
When the wind is cold
And the sun is hiding behind the moon
Giving the returns freely
Asking widely
Is the Love intended for the world?
To grow warm
To give strength?
When All around us
Is the cold
The value of the Hate?

"God is in the Rain."

Song: Duck and Run by 3 Doors Down

Mood: Spiritually Delicious

Its Friday!
I considered calling Curt this morning and telling him that I lost my keys. This way, he would come home and give me a jump on the day. But then, I thought, hell no. That man wouldn't appreciate a white lie from his wife, even it was for sex. Isn't that sad? I marry for love after being selective and 11 years single. I marry a man who is more focused on sleep and work then on making love. I ask: How does this happen?
The honest to Heaven answer is:
S T R E S S Kills Sex
BUT!
Sex rids us of S T R E S S

Vicious circle 101.

Went to the doc yesterday. He is a good guy. We talked for an hour. Tried to not bullshit him...too much. I like talking with people, so its hard for me to say, I am struggling. He can see it in my eyes. Hell, even the clueless can see it in my eyes. I did something awful, but generous last year. And I feel very confused about it. My mom had a heart attack in March05. I was living in Texas and I felt very out of place. I was lost without her and my mind reeled, starting reeling and did not stop. When our lease was up, it was time to buy a house. Instead, we packed up and moved BACK to VA. We had the greatest of intentions. But, this is not working out for us. As a matter of fact, I feel like I am dieing inside. I made a HUGE mistake. But, I did it for family. Now, we are broke, struggling the East Coast Life, and trying to maintain a normal lifestyle with crazy children. I worked very hard on becoming a stable, sober, active person. But, what I ended up feeling like is: Doughy. Somewhere between being solid and liquid at the same time. Its hard to be motivated with the things that I love to do. I love my job. I love my art. I like working out. But, instead, I want to sleep a lot. The doc gave me pills for depression. They bring on dreams. So, I want to sleep so that I can dream of a better reality. Better? Well, stranger, thats for sure. Yesterday, he told me that its time to switch meds. The new meds will change my dreams back to normal. I know that its for the best to switch, but, I am afraid of missing one of the few things that make life bearable. Its probably why I am drinking again, too. Jack Daniels relaxes you and allows you to feel pliable. Not so hard faced, tough skinned. But, in reality, nothing can change this from the outside. Its my job to do it on the inside. I need to feel peace with my decisions. I need to feel support from my family and job with the decisions that I am about to make. Its my responsibility to live the life that I choose. Whether I am in Texas, Virginia, or the moon, all I really want is to feel secure with who I am, healthy, happy, sad (any emotion that is really mine), and alive in my environment. Am I asking for too much? Or is this what every person is entitled to? Sobriety is high on the list.

My kid is in love. She is 14 and looks 19. I want to warn him. But, I know that there is nothing that I can say that would make any sense to Mr. Hormonal LoveSlave. He has it bad. All I want to do is smile and say, Welcome to the best part of your life. Under no circumstances do you let the following items out of your reach: Life, Liberty, and all of your body parts. Keep them in the boat at all times.
Typical conversation with the kid:
Did you ever put it on the charger?
Yes, I did.
What are we talking about?
What? the phone or the batteries?
For what?
Bat Er Eees
What are you doing?
writing
What are you writing?
Its personal
Why?
Because it is personal.
All RIGHT
Fine
Ill leave you alone.

I asked my husband what events were the best part of 2005 for him. He is a quiet man. Often, what he says is acurate and to the point. Well, this time, he kinda went off. He leaned over and kissed me and said, every time we made love and swimming in the lake, off the side of the boat. I smiled really big. And that was all he said.
It was a hard year. You'd think that in an entire year, that a person would have better memories. The fact is, we aren't kids anymore. And I feel sorry for kids nowadays, anyway. Yeah, I know that makes me sound old. But, its true. I used to walk every where, get on boats with strangers, swim in oceans, and catch strange looking frogs under waterfalls. Today, kids worry about kids with guns on Zoloft. In 1979, we woulda said, "ZoWho"?
Its a tough world folks. If you have more then two good distinct memories of 2005, then Congratu Fuckin Lations.

Here is the poem of the day:

If I closed my eyes
I would still see you
looking at me
smilling
shirtless wonder
where did you come from?
where ya going?
im right beside you
where i wanna be
sweet thing
your flavor is the taste of my soul
sweet soul sister
is me
with this ring
for eternity
makes me most blessed creature of divinity.

May 2006 bring you many Bright Blessings